Out of Control

This week feels like I am spiraling out of control. The closer I get to the next change in my work life the more panicked I become. I know I can be a good manager and want the opportunity but I am terrified and feel like an imposter to take it on.

Why do I feel like this? Why am I still struggling? Why am I so anxious and pissed off at the world...at God...at myself? I want to right this ship but not sure how or if I even care to right it anymore.

My sanity is being pushed, my faith is being pushed, my sense of being is being pushed. I woke up angry in the middle of the night because of the volleyball season. I NEVER do that. I was one to get angry but then let it go and move on and anymore I can't seem to move on and I don't know why. Everything I do it seems to point me back to that. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to see anything about it, I don't want to hear about it yet it keeps coming up like bad food. 

This week has been hectic as usual but Wed I took my car in for a recall repair and got off the interstate and followed the rules of the road but someone honked at me. Normally I am like whatever but this day I flipped them off. So they chased me and rode my butt to the dealership. I braked hard and stopped short of the entrance to leave this woman's butt hanging out as she turned into the dealership to follow me. Maybe she thought I wanted to fight and was pulling over??? I had not thought about that actually that she thought I wanted to confront her. Instead I sat there watching her and she decided to get out of the car! As soon as she was fully out, I drove off to the garage bay to, what I had planned was to dive into the safety of the garage...only to realize they were not open yet. Luckily my husband was behind her and was annoyed she had stopped in the way and went around her so she took off. I was a bit worked up for awhile after that.

Today, I had drank my morning coffee and had my secondary constitutional after, only to stand up and feel my phone slide out of my pocket of my track pants and into the toilet with said constitutional. I quickly grabbed it before the water had time to do any damage. I washed the cover thoroughly and then clorox wiped the phone itself and let it dry to make sure it have any damage. 

Then I took my 17 year old to take her drivers permit test....for the 8th or 9th time...and she literally took 5 minutes to take the test. I understand the kid has test anxiety but you got to take longer than 5 minutes to take a 25 question test that only allows like 2 or 3 missed answers. 

The more I thought about it the madder I got. I ended up chewing her out which made her feel worse and me like a low life but I was able to explain that she needed to take longer than 5 minutes next time. 

Then I had an old peer reach out to me about a job opening. I am a bit bitter as this person NEVER said anything to me much after my layoff but then suddenly wanted to talk. I think on any other week I would have been fine but today I was already worked up and was just not into it. 

I called a peer to talk to her and I had told her about my car drama the day before and she very gently scolded me. She had me on speaker phone and my language was awful and she has a one year old that is picking up words and her husband heard us and asked if that was me and was I alright...as this was very out of character for me. I really appreciate her doing that as I needed that reality check. I was also a tad embarrassed about my mouth which has gotten bad and I need to control it. There is no excuse. 

I am also avoiding another friend...for no real good reason except she has done it to me, although not likely as intentional as I am doing, but because she just shuts down but then again that is what has happened to me. I have shut down emotions and she triggers too many and I see her and I get mad about volleyball so I am just avoiding her. It hurts as that is not my nature but neither is waking up in the middle of the night spitting mad...falling asleep crying quietly to myself...feeling depressed and despair over it...and then finding I was taken off the FB admin rights on the page three weeks ago...I don't care but the timing wasn't good as I decided to stop following the Falcon web pages and several of the parents as the only reason we were friends was because of volleyball but they screwed me over so I no longer have any loyalty to them so I unfollowed them and became almost euphoric with that step. I also missed my pills yesterday and I almost feel like that was not good for me after taking them again...not the missing them. 

I feel off kilter, out of balance, out of touch, out of control, lost, angry, alone, withdrawn, and desperately needing someone to talk to but refusing to reach out.

Then I had a call with a peer whom I normally enjoy talking to today and he wanted to talk to me about a topic that is very touchy with many. I listened to him but I don't want to be persuaded as I feel I am slowly in the minority with my thinking and will likely be persecuted before my life cycle runs its course the way things are going. I hope not as that is not a world I want my kids living in but I can't control that but I can influence their thinking by giving them facts to make their own decisions for. 

I feel like I am a half cocked gun ready to go off with the slightest bump and my safety is broken. I don't want that to occur as my friend said too many people are dangerous and my life and career is not worth ruining or shortening because of poor decisions. 

I am ready for this week to be over so I decided to take off work on Friday and just spend time with the family and get work done around the house and relax. I hope it resets my system.