Gluten Free cooking and lactose free milk-2016

Wednesday, January 20th 2016

So I have learned to cook gluten free (GF) now with hubby having a gluten sensitivity and the youngest doing better if I keep less gluten in her diet. I had been wanting to try pasta sourced in Italy as supposedly the wheat over there is not grown like we do and is still closer to the older wheat styles. So I did what any respectable loving wife would do..I experimented on my husband.

I bought pasta MADE IN ITALY and I used it for our spaghetti night. No what, we did NOT have cramps like he has with American wheat products. Now, he did still have some rumblings but not the roll in the floor cramping and screaming fits he used to have. So now we can have lasagna, and spaghetti and cold pasta dishes in the summer! I find it tastes better too.

Hubby is always doing research and reading and he found things called fodmaps or foods that can trick your body into thinking it is another food that is an offender. When he followed that and cut out lactose in his milk, and backed off chocolate, coffee (sorry I would take the cramps over giving up my morning hit of java) nuts and avacados he felt much better. Thankfully lactose free isn't what it was several years ago. Kind of like fat free foods....gross!
 I just buy lactose free now and use it in cooking and he drinks it with his cookies and he isn't hurting.

I also love King Arthur's GF all-purpose flour. I find that I can substitute in most cases one to one in place of regular flour. Breads don't apply b/c GF bread is just hideous unless you toast it but I have found a recipe that is good toasted and that I use when I make dressing at Thanksgiving.

He is a happy camper b/c of the variety of food I cook and the fact that I can make 90% of his favorite foods where he can eat them and they actually taste good. The kids don't run when I mention something is GF also. :)

 

**Update. Hubby didn't need to eat GF. We actually follow the FODMAP protocol and he avoids certain foods and that has helped his irritable bowel tremendously. We cook a lot so we can control the ingredients and the sodium and that has helped a lot. 

Mental anguish

 Everybody always says "Oh you will handle cancer fine! You are strong so you will get through this fine!"... I didn't want to be strong...I wasn't fine. I could hardly eat. I had to borrow my girls jeans so I would have something to wear. I had to have hubby poke holes in my belts so I could keep my pants up and use my belts. 

I had gone from a size 12 down to a size 6. I kept getting compliments on my weight loss but I couldn't always explain why I was able to lose it. I had become extremely emotional. I began to struggle with anger before radiation. I was mad at everyone. I was mad at God for putting me through this. I was mad I couldn't handle the constant blows that I felt were being thrown at me. It was like a roller coaster that I couldn't get off no matter how hard I tried. 

I began to withdraw a lot to my family and to my friends. I needed to talk but refused to burden my friends and I didn't want to go see a therapist because I knew if I could just talk about it occasionally I would be ok but then I would hold it in and not talk so I wouldn't burden anyone...

I tried to talk to hubby more and he tried to help me but he had no one to talk to about it so that caused tension for us. My youngest didn't make the club volleyball team she tried out for...which was a blessing as I would have had no time or energy to get her to the practices. But that was what set me off into a sobbing fest for 20 minutes. 

I felt bad for the kids because they saw me struggling but didn't know how to help me and I couldn't' talk to them except to tell them I would be ok just give me time. I tried to talk to one friend but she has her own demons and is bad not to text back some days when she is struggling herself. Unfortunately, those were the days I needed her the most as we had a knack for having crises at the same time. She did talk me off the ledge when I was so angry and withdrawn. I still struggle with that. I overthink things now and if I reach out and texted her and she didn't answer I read that as I can't deal with you right now...then I would fear that she also had something going wrong and I was being insensitive and whiney...I annoyed myself. 

I finally turned to another friend who doesn't live near me but works with me and vomited what was bothering me. She was able to talk me off the ledge again. My faith is strong and I turn to God for many things but I was struggling with this one but I kept praying when I could muster the strength and I read my daily devotionals as well. When I could I listened to online church as I did not want to go in person with my stress level for fear of contracting covid on top of all of this. 

I have had a spiritual battle going on in my head for weeks now. I know I will be alright and that everything is in God's hands but the right now has me stressed and the devil tells me otherwise and then I overthink texts and comments and I am a hot mess. 

Poor hubby hasn't had it easy either. He has not outlet so of course we fight and our fights are very heated. I talked with another friend and her husband and they also fought. I was so mad one night I went out side with light clothing on in 49 degree temps with the intent to just walk but I realized I only had slippers on so I just stood outside and was hellbent to not go back inside until I froze or they drug me in. Long story, I did get a tad hypothermia and they brought me back in. It took an hour for me to warm back up by the fire. 

I am at a point that I am either a tad psychotic about my actions, angry, emotional at the drop of a hat, or I laugh oddly at things...I am not sure that I am slowly losing my mind honestly.

During radiation, I couldn't forget I had cancer as every time I took off my clothes I had marks and stickers for radiation so I wasn't allowed to forget.At least now a month past finishing treatments I am able to have more and more stronger days. I can now talk about it with some family without getting too emotional. The problem is you end up comforting people...not what I want to do. So I do not like to talk about it much to those that don't know. I just need to get past the visits, and procedures to be able to move on and I am hoping that I can do that this year as the clock rolls over to the new year...

Cancer part 2

 Most of the late summer and fall were a lot of hurry up and wait...I talked with my gynecologist who I pushed to recommend a doctor she would go to as she is my age. She sent me to a breast surgeon who has been highly recommended by all who have seen her. 

So I saw this surgeon in August 17th. (My youngest had turned 16 at the Monroe tournament and we had made the decision for me to get vaccinated on July 30th due to the unknowns of my cancer and to also get her first vaccine dose on the 31st of July given we were going to be in a petri dish of germs for this tournament.) It was one of the hardest things to do to sit in the cancer center with a people you know all have cancer and many were quite a bit older. Thankfully my mom went with me given her past history hubby and I felt she made more sense to attend appointments. 

The surgeon be bopped her way in and said, "We can take care of this easy!" I was a bit shocked. She did an exam on me and declared she could not palpate anything so all I needed was a partial mastectomy (or a lumpectomy). She then spent the next hour explaining and drawing pictures. That reduced my stress almost immediately. We decided to schedule it on Aug 23rd as Aug 20th was a bit too soon for me to get my work and life in order to be off. 

I only took off that day for surgery. Youngest had a volleyball game that night that I attended. I think the parents (and my friend) thought I was crazy. I was awake and not sore and I did not want to miss any of my child's games. I probably pushed a bit too hard as I was extremely sore after that but I walked as soon as I could to get my strength back. I hate being slowed down.

Youngest and I also had our last doses of the vaccine that weekend of the 20th which was another reason to postpone the surgery so I could recover from the shot effects. 

At that point I had begun not being able to eat hardly anything due to the stress. My stomach hurt constantly so I only ate small bites of things. I had weighed 155 Sept 2020 and began using a program through work that helped me lose weight but Christmas derailed me from all of the food shoved at you during the holidays. So I stayed around 150 most of that spring and summer until the diagnosis. I lost almost 4lbs in just a few days from the stress. 

I was supposed to have a GI consult for the colonoscopy my NP insisted I get done on the 7th...the day after labor day. We had family over that Monday the 6th and I felt fine until about mid-day and then I began to feel bad. I took my temp and it was running 99 so I just took some Tylenol and drank water and didn't think much about it. My family went out to the pool to swim so I went outside to visit with my father in law and I realized I was parched. I had run out of water and was miserable but didn't get up to do anything about it until I was achy...which I realized meant my fever had come back and was now higher. I got up and excused myself which caused everyone to also get out of the pool. It was about 80 degrees outside and I was almost shivering. I went inside and got a sweater and then chatted with my brother in law's girlfriend. I had to excuse myself again because I needed to use the restroom from all of the water I drank and also I wanted to take my temp again. At that point it was now 101. I went and laid down and began violently shaking but had not brought the thermometer with me so I texted my kids to bring it to me. By then the fever had climbed to 102 so I had the girls bring me more Tylenol and some water and to discreetly let hubby know as our family was still there. By the time the kids got his attention and the family left it had climbed to 102.7. I knew I was in trouble and needed to do something else to get it down so the kids got hubby and he helped me take as cold of a shower as I could tolerate. It caused me to shake more violently but that and switching to some Theraflu helped the fever stop climbing. When I woke up the next morning, I had to call and cancel my consult as it was still hovering around 100. I had no other symptoms so did not suspect Covid. I rescheduled my GI consult for later in the month. 

I had also been set up to see the oncologists at our local center in my hometown. That appointment wasn't scheduled until the 20th of Sept. I was out of my mind on all of the scheduling and waiting. I saw her and because I was estrogen receptor positive she wanted to do a pathology test on the tissue sample to assess if I needed chemo. I almost broke down right there. I was not expecting to have to have chemo given it was found early and small. She said given my age and the unknowns of the pathology she felt it was safer to assess the tissue because she didn't want either of us regretting any decisions not made later on and risk it coming back. By then I had lost down to 138lbs. 

I saw the GI doctor on the 27th of September and he agreed that we needed to get the colonoscopy done and quickly given I might have to have chemo so we scheduled it for Sept 30th. My head was spinning from all of the decisions that were being made so quickly now. I spent two days doing a clear liquid diet then a 12 hour prep. I lost down to 133lbs but made myself sick when I could eat solids again! Thankfully the procedure went well and I had no issues so I am good for another 10 years so that was the only good news I had gotten in a while. 

I saw the radiation oncologist on the 5th of Oct to discuss setting up radiation. Thankfully because it was so small they would only do 3 weeks of radiation (versus the normal 6-8 weeks).

I saw the chemo oncologist again to get the results of my path test back and she said I had a 21 on a scale of 100 so adding chemo would not add any benefit to my treatment. That was only the second time I could smile and be happy at a doctor's appointment in a couple of months. 

The CT scanner was down at my center so I had to go to another one in the next town over on Oct 28th. I started radiation on Nov 9th. My only ask was to not start any treatments until Volleyball Nationals was over as I we had to travel for that and you can't miss a radiation treatment. 

I did radiation for a minute and a half. From the time I left my house, treatment, and to back home again was 25 minutes so I was able to work during it. I only began to feel the effects in the second week. I had some soreness and swelling the second week and then the third week I worked long hours to try and catch up on some work during the slow Thanksgiving holiday week and I was tired by 7pm at night. I didn't' do radiation on Thanksgiving day or on the first day so I didn't finish until Dec 1st. By then we had started basketball with my youngest so when they asked if I was feeling tired I told them "How would I know with my life?"

In the middle of all of this, two friend contracted covid and my mom's oldest sister went on hospice on Oct 28th and died Nov 2nd and we buried her on the 6th I had also had a freak fever again but not as high as the one in September. Stress was beginning to take it's toll on my mind heavily.

2021 and Cancer part 1

 

Fast forward to 2021. Vaccine trials had been started in 2020 for Covid-19. They received emergency use status for two companies in Dec and began giving out the first shots soon after. My dad is on the board of the local hospital so he received his in Feb and they had a cancellation so my mom was able to also get hers that same month. They are in their late 60s and 70s, respectively. Neither of them had a response to their doses which concerned me. Research showed that elderly people don't always have a response to vaccines and they need more studies on it to understand why. Me, being in clinical research, had me extremely cautious about running out to get mine until they knew more about it. I work in an area that runs trials to watch for safety signals for products just released to assess safety and efficacy so I wasn't thrilled about being an early guinea pig just yet for the vaccine. 

They had began to allow the regular public, who were in essential working roles but not in the direct contact as medical workers were, to get vaccines around May. Our pharmacy called me and wanted to know if I wanted it. I said No as I was not ready yet. My hubster said he was happy to test it so he got his doses in May and received Moderna. He felt bad both doses but otherwise did well. 

We started volleyball up again in June. Thankfully restrictions had been lifted so we did not have to wear masks. In 2020, we had to wear masks in the facility all fall until we got to our area where we practiced and then we could take them off. We had to wear them at games except when the girls were playing on the court. So not having to have the masks in 2021 was nice this year. Youngest child actually worked hard and was able to be a starter for her 16U team so we were excited about a new year and moving past the pandemic. 

2021 was turning out to be a really nice year so far. Vaccines were widely available although the vaccination rate was low because the CDC contradicted themselves on mask wearing so the general public, especially in the rural south, was skeptical about trusting someone about a non FDA approved vaccine. (Honestly, something being FDA approved does not make me feel a whole lot better...what does make me feel better is time in the market. The longer something has been out with little effects the better it is.) I was up for a promotion in July. Basically, I was going to get the title and pay for the job I had been doing already for a year. The joys of the corporate world where you have to sometimes prove you should get the title before getting said title....That happened in July. 

Mid-year hit and July was upon me. I was excited as my promotion took effect this month. I was able to use my title and begin receiving the pay as well. Things were going well and after the past two years I was finally feeling good and gaining confidence again after having being let go from my previous position in April 2019....just days after my 50th birthday. I had been at this position for 12 years and at the company for 15. I was devastated but was only off work for a month when I found this new job in the same company so I was able to keep my tenure and status. Whew!

BOOM...this is where the year slid down hill from this point. 

I got a call from my mom on Sun afternoon one day in early July...she told me she was in the hospital. They had come back from their cabin and she did not feel well. She had an odd feeling in her chest like indigestion and just an off feeling. So she had my step dad take her to the local ER when they got back into our town. They decided to keep her as she was having EKG changes. They ended up doing an echo and then a heart cath on Tue and she had greater than 70% blockage in her left anterior descending artery...also known as the widow maker for obvious reasons. I was floored. My mother had never been sick in her life...except for breast cancer 15 years ago. She had DCIS so she had a lumpectomy, radiation, and took tamoxifen for 5 years. Other than that she has been relatively healthy except for some bowel obstructions that caused her to have several surgeries until she saw a specialist who got her fixed up. 

In the meantime, I had put off getting my mammogram in 2020 due to not wanting to be in ground zero with all of the Covid cases as the mammo center was in the hospital. So I hem-hawed around and finally got my 2021 mammogram scheduled. I went in on July 16th. The next week I got a letter saying they found two suspicious areas, one on each side, and I needed to come back in and have an ultrasound. So that week I had the US for each side. They came back in after doing the procedure and said I had to have a biopsy on the left side due to a suspicious mass. I began to freak out a bit as I had previously had a scare several years ago but it turned out to be a lipoma only so I thought it would be that again. I had a suspicious cyst on the right side also the doctor said but I had an area on the left that they wanted to biopsy. So I returned yet again the following week having been at the center now three weeks in a row. It was now the end of July and I was a nervous wreck. 

During all of this, I had gone to see my nurse practitioner for my yearly follow up and to get my Singulair prescription refilled. She and I discussed the biopsy and the fact that I had not had a colonoscopy yet (I was 52 and current guidelines had said you should get one after 50) nor had I gotten my vaccine yet. She basically chewed me out for not having both items completed. She scheduled me for a colonoscopy consult in Sept. She also strongly suggested that I get my vaccine because if I did have cancer and I needed treatment I would be immuno-compromised and that was not a good spot to be in when I had a choice.(Back story...my oldest had insisted she get the vaccine that month aldo. She had turned 17 in April and I agreed that she was old enough to make her own choice on it provided she understood the risks. She got her first dose in late July.)

 I was struggling with my own choice still to get the vaccine and then if my youngest, who was 15 at the time but soon to be 16 in Aug with VB games right around the corner, should also get it. My NP told me to quit waiting. I had seen one signal appear in May for myocarditis in young people and mostly in young males. I had the latest info I pulled off of the CDC for which my pediatricians office didn't even have yet when I took my oldest child...grr. So was more comfortable in making the decision for both of us but still a bit nervous.

So I had to make a decision and make it quickly due to the pending outcome of the biopsy. I drove the next day to my pharmacy at my local grocery store as a friend who is a pharmacist works there and I wanted her to give me my shots. She did and then proceeded to chew my butt out for waiting also and for not getting my youngest vaccinated. Her reason, when I brought up concerns I had read about girls fertility, was if my youngest contracted covid and was dead from the virus there were no longer any concerns to be had about fertility....ok... point taken. So I went home after my first dose and took my youngest back the next day and got her first dose. 

Most of the past four months have been in a hurry up and wait mode. I get information then I wait to hear is it good or bad. I never struggled with anxiety or depression very much in my life. I always was cold about things as I never let many people close enough to me to hurt me nor did I care too much for anyone deeply. After losing my dad at 11, I was a bit jaded and protective about relationships and friendships. Just easier for me to run away than deal with anything. It is a wonder I have been married for 25 years...

So that following week was tense just waiting. By Wed, I was a nervous wreck as I had not heard anything yet. I was supposed to leave for a tournament on Th that was to last until Sat. Hubster was unable to go with us as oldest was getting her second vaccine dose and we didn't want to drag her around to a hotel knowing she would feel bad so he stayed home with her. I was sitting in the lobby waiting to get a massage and I saw an email that I needed to follow up with my gynecologist about the biopsy. I was sick at my stomach as I knew that was not good. I called their office and left a message for them to call me about it. 

In the meantime, my NP called me. She had gotten the results and didn't know whether to call me or not. She told me I had invasive DCIS cancer. I thought I would explode. She wanted me to go to another town and get a consult and then consider getting a full mastectomy. It was too much for me to consider at once. I had a conversation later that evening with the gynecologist that started me on a journey...more on that later.

I called my hubster in tears and told him after I hung up with the NP. I texted a friend, who also coaches my daughter's VB team, as she knew I was waiting to hear back the news. I chose to not tell my mother at that point as I had spent a weekend with her a couple weeks before as my dad had to leave for a night and after her stent was put in she was scared to be alone. So I was worried for her health if I told her that it would be too much for her right then so I kept the news from her. 

I was going to wait to tell my girls for the time being as well. I was not ready to process it mentally and I couldn't explain to them or make them worry. I did end up having a conversation with my youngest in the car about it and then hubster had a conversation with the oldest. We had more detailed conversations as time went on as well.

Being at the VB tournament was hard. I spent most of that first weekend crying in the shower every morning while at the tournament. My friend knew and stayed by me as much she could but I was in another world. I would get emotional about something and have to run outside and hide so I could just cry. 

I did end up telling my mother who went into full mom mode on me but she was also a great asset to me. The next four months were a roller coaster....

Covid...

 First, I apparently am very random in my postings...given my last one was in 2016. Life, 2 kids, 1 husband and 4 cats later...I do good to get showers some days...

My girls keep me busy. The oldest child was doing choir until the pandemic hit last year...never thought you would use that word in a sentence where your own life is concerned did you? Me either. But COVID-19 start appearing around the world but we heard it as SARS and it was always in another country so you don't think it will affect you...until it does. The official pandemic was declared in March 2020. But we think we saw it earlier in the US. Hubster was very sick after traveling to New Jersey, then California, a month later for work. We just thought he and a peer had a horrible cold virus or bronchitis. 

All I can say is, I was up for local jury duty here in my county and I was not super excited about it. I had just taken over program management for a very popular medical device from a peer officially in April but had been ramping up since the fall with duties. Hearing I would have to serve for four months and in three possible trials (2 were 2 day trials but one was slated for 3 weeks and was a high profile murder case) I was feeling stressed as my new role left no time for my own life much less sitting in a courtroom all morning waiting on jury selection to occur. I am glad somebody has to do it but I just don't want it to be me! I had gone to one session to discuss what to expect in Jan then our next meeting got cancelled for some reason and then the pandemic hit. Can't say I was glad to see the virus, as that was a very scary time, but I would have rolled in dog poop to get out of jury duty...I was that worried/stressed about it and juggling my busy job. 

We managed to stay safe and avoid catching it thankfully. I knew no one close to me that contradicted it.  My mom hid out at her cabin, while my dad stayed home and worked, so she wouldn't get it. We were already homeschooling so nothing changed for us where school was concerned but not being to leave the house much got a bit annoying. We did manage to have volleyball in the summer with a lot of mask restrictions at games in the fall. (We practiced at an old plane hanger that had no heat or air so it was disgusting hot by July.) I think a couple of girls came down with Covid but none were hospitalized so we were thankful we were able to have a season and no one was so sick they needed anything worse than rest and meds. We even got to have their National Tournament...the highlight of which for me was backing into someone who was illegally parked. (Yes, I left a note and after a month they finally contacted me..about the time I had forgotten about it...they were nice at first then nasty about it.) Really?  So much for a Christian Volleyball experience...

The youngest child tried out for club volleyball but had been struggling to get her serve over and had just managed to do it by the end of the season but it was a floater and not really anything to write home about. She ended not making either of the two teams she tried out for which was an eye opener for her. The oldest's choir program cancelled in the spring and never started back up as the college was still trying to figure out how to begin fall classes and they did not want to have high school students exposed so that also freed up time carting either of them back and forth to choir or sports practices.

 All of that cancelling was a Godsend for me given I had this new role that was getting busier and busier and I needed to be working and not dragging kids all over the place. The local home school sports organization also did not have a girls 16U basketball that year, thanks apparently to some teenage drama, so I was able to throw myself into my work and understand how I could be more effective in my job. I am a global program manager for a medical device company and the products in our studies are pacemakers and leads. We were trying to maintain our presence in the US and EMEA geographies but also grow into Australia, Korea and China so meetings were anywhere from 6am to 7pm my time.

 Life was crazy but life was good...so I thought then 2021 hit....