Everybody always says "Oh you will handle cancer fine! You are strong so you will get through this fine!"... I didn't want to be strong...I wasn't fine. I could hardly eat. I had to borrow my girls jeans so I would have something to wear. I had to have hubby poke holes in my belts so I could keep my pants up and use my belts.
I had gone from a size 12 down to a size 6. I kept getting compliments on my weight loss but I couldn't always explain why I was able to lose it. I had become extremely emotional. I began to struggle with anger before radiation. I was mad at everyone. I was mad at God for putting me through this. I was mad I couldn't handle the constant blows that I felt were being thrown at me. It was like a roller coaster that I couldn't get off no matter how hard I tried.
I began to withdraw a lot to my family and to my friends. I needed to talk but refused to burden my friends and I didn't want to go see a therapist because I knew if I could just talk about it occasionally I would be ok but then I would hold it in and not talk so I wouldn't burden anyone...
I tried to talk to hubby more and he tried to help me but he had no one to talk to about it so that caused tension for us. My youngest didn't make the club volleyball team she tried out for...which was a blessing as I would have had no time or energy to get her to the practices. But that was what set me off into a sobbing fest for 20 minutes.
I felt bad for the kids because they saw me struggling but didn't know how to help me and I couldn't' talk to them except to tell them I would be ok just give me time. I tried to talk to one friend but she has her own demons and is bad not to text back some days when she is struggling herself. Unfortunately, those were the days I needed her the most as we had a knack for having crises at the same time. She did talk me off the ledge when I was so angry and withdrawn. I still struggle with that. I overthink things now and if I reach out and texted her and she didn't answer I read that as I can't deal with you right now...then I would fear that she also had something going wrong and I was being insensitive and whiney...I annoyed myself.
I finally turned to another friend who doesn't live near me but works with me and vomited what was bothering me. She was able to talk me off the ledge again. My faith is strong and I turn to God for many things but I was struggling with this one but I kept praying when I could muster the strength and I read my daily devotionals as well. When I could I listened to online church as I did not want to go in person with my stress level for fear of contracting covid on top of all of this.
I have had a spiritual battle going on in my head for weeks now. I know I will be alright and that everything is in God's hands but the right now has me stressed and the devil tells me otherwise and then I overthink texts and comments and I am a hot mess.
Poor hubby hasn't had it easy either. He has not outlet so of course we fight and our fights are very heated. I talked with another friend and her husband and they also fought. I was so mad one night I went out side with light clothing on in 49 degree temps with the intent to just walk but I realized I only had slippers on so I just stood outside and was hellbent to not go back inside until I froze or they drug me in. Long story, I did get a tad hypothermia and they brought me back in. It took an hour for me to warm back up by the fire.
I am at a point that I am either a tad psychotic about my actions, angry, emotional at the drop of a hat, or I laugh oddly at things...I am not sure that I am slowly losing my mind honestly.
During radiation, I couldn't forget I had cancer as every time I took off my clothes I had marks and stickers for radiation so I wasn't allowed to forget.At least now a month past finishing treatments I am able to have more and more stronger days. I can now talk about it with some family without getting too emotional. The problem is you end up comforting people...not what I want to do. So I do not like to talk about it much to those that don't know. I just need to get past the visits, and procedures to be able to move on and I am hoping that I can do that this year as the clock rolls over to the new year...
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