Cancer sucks...there is no other way to say it or soften it.
I finished radiation treatment Dec 1st. I have a very busy corporate job that demands my attention. My workload began to be insane in Jan with two regulatory reports due with in 4 months of each other. Add to that I was developing a new analysis plan for a region that wants local data. This geography is in Asia and this country group is very demanding. They do not take breaks it seems. They work late hours and weekends. I would take a week or so to work through details with other staff and they would turn it back to me with more changes requested in less than three or four days. I also have presentations to prepare for to leadership plus meetings that took up my time during the day leaving me little time to get the actual work done.
At this time I thought my workload was dragging me down and making me tired due to the demands on my time. I also took my youngest to basketball games, practice and then a tournament in Feb out of town in an ice storm. I saw the oncologist and for the first time I complained about being tired. Normally I don't complain because I don't see the point as I see people more sick than me so I don't feel like I have the right to complain. (I had sat in the waiting room for 4 hours that day so that didn't help). She felt it was radiation side effects. But she did check my iron, thyroid and said I was not anemic or low on any of it. I can not explain that level of tired I went through.
Having a surprise mammogram scheduled for me that went long added to the anxiety because they were checking a sore spot on me as well as they noticed the cyst on the right side was larger than it was last year so they were concerned. The radiologist wanted me to have a biopsy but I refused as the cyst was just aspirated in Aug and was benign so they let me go. That was a Th. On Monday I got a call from the surgeon she wanted it biopsied so they called me on Wed that it was scheduled for Friday. We were due to leave town on the following Monday for our last basketball tournament in Missouri so the stress was absolute murder on me. Then a friend called me that her mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to pick my brain. My empathy has always been in tune and I hurt for others and have become a good listener but since my own diagnosis I was carrying everyone's pain and it was crushing my soul.
Add to that my friend's dad had alzheimers and I worried about her constantly as I know that can be draining emotionally to her on top of her working in a tax office which is super busy in the winter leading up to April. Then I get a random text from her updating me on her situation. Her dad had been found beaten up, her MIL had gotten a cancer diagnosis in Dec and had just found out she had to have chemo at the last minute. The weight of all of this plus my own stress of work and anxieties and fears cancer has saddled me with sent me to very dark places. I had no more energy or will left to fight cancer again. If I did not have kids and family I would have gotten in my car and drove until the gas or the land ran out.
The biopsy turned out fine and the cyst was still benign but the stress of waiting for that plus getting stressful information from a close friend was almost more than I could handle. The last tournament we went to was horrible so we were all not having a great time so we ended up doing things as if it was a vacation to make something out of nothing.
Add to this there was a spring formal held and I noticed on FB that all but two kids went to the dance..a couple of which who never go to anything like this. One of those two not invited kids was my daughter. She had apparently known about it as her friend had texted her about it but she didn't think she wanted to go. I was upset as a friend organized some of the girls to go...but never called me to ask if I was interested in my daughter going. I noticed that this friend always had drama around her but I didn't realize until then that she causes as much drama as she is involved in it. Seeing pictures plastered all over FB and knowing no one asked if we were interested hurt. I can take a lot and typically don't care we are not involved in things but seeing people whom I thought were friends not even ask us if we were also going hurt. It hurt like nothing I have felt in a while. This has caused me to close off again and basically hate people. I tolerate those around me and jest with them but I am not sure if I departed this earth if anyone would truly notice. It still stings now some two months later.
Add to this my friend's dad died and the stress of going to that funeral was almost more than I could handle. It brought back so many repressed emotions and feelings and it was all I could do to get through it without becoming a sobbing mess myself. I fought it back.
I still struggle with my emotions. I so desperately want to talk and share....but know no one really wants to hear about all of this crap. Unless you have been through cancer or have anxieties it is hard to relate to me. I have friends that have anxieties that can relate or friends that had cancer but don't dwell on the fear...so I feel like I can't find the balance I need. I feel like I do ok and then something makes me crumble.
I dread our upcoming VB season. I see my friend more and it makes me happy but then I feel like a whore with my emotions and thoughts stealing time to whine about them and then feeling horrible and guilty afterwards. Then it is over as quick as it started and I am alone again with not much interaction. I wondered if I didn't ask anyone to lunch would I ever go out and eat with a friend again? I seem to be the one to instigate the lunches...so right now I am stopping that. I am also not making myself available as I once did during practice. I get so easily hyper-focused on that and then when I can't get that time with a friend I go through withdrawals like a drug addict. I can't do that to myself anymore. So I am pulling back with my emotions. On the outside you won't tell a difference but on the inside I am slowing dying and becoming hard hearted again. I don't want to but people let you down...they can't help it. And I no longer want to be dependent on people or the pain they cause. But my new found anxiety isn't letting me move on fast. And I can't move past cancer as I have to see the oncologist every three months and the surgeon every 6 months plus have repeat tests. I know they do it to keep me protected and alive but I don't have much mental strength left anymore. Cancer plants demons in your mind and even with a solid faith and belief in God I am struggling. I go between leaning on God and being angry that I got this diagnosis and that I ever met and got close to my friend. I saw her tonight and it is as if nothing changed...she literally has no idea of what I am struggling with because of her own stress with her dad and MIL and then she has her own demons she battles so she doesn't notice I stopped texting two months ago except for random things. I honestly wish I had not gotten to know her better. I don't have many close friends and I work remotely so I have no work colleagues I see. I am lonely and I never realized it. I try to spend time with my husband but I am not much great company as I am lost in thought often. I also struggle to talk to my girls as I am having ok moments and then moments I feel so dark.
So here I sit needing to go to bed because I am tired as I tried to read a bit but my mind was wandering with all of this in my head that I hoped by typing it would not stay in my head any longer. But as I sit here feeling my blood pressure creeping up, the anxiety rising, and anger welling I am wondering if this was a futile exercise.
