Fast forward to 2021. Vaccine trials had been started in 2020 for Covid-19. They received emergency use status for two companies in Dec and began giving out the first shots soon after. My dad is on the board of the local hospital so he received his in Feb and they had a cancellation so my mom was able to also get hers that same month. They are in their late 60s and 70s, respectively. Neither of them had a response to their doses which concerned me. Research showed that elderly people don't always have a response to vaccines and they need more studies on it to understand why. Me, being in clinical research, had me extremely cautious about running out to get mine until they knew more about it. I work in an area that runs trials to watch for safety signals for products just released to assess safety and efficacy so I wasn't thrilled about being an early guinea pig just yet for the vaccine.
They had began to
allow the regular public, who were in essential working roles but not in
the direct contact as medical workers were, to get vaccines around May. Our
pharmacy called me and wanted to know if I wanted it. I said No as I was
not ready yet. My hubster said he was happy to test it so he got his
doses in May and received Moderna. He felt bad both doses but otherwise did
well.
We started volleyball up again in June. Thankfully
restrictions had been lifted so we did not have to wear masks. In 2020,
we had to wear masks in the facility all fall until we got to our
area where we practiced and then we could take them off. We had to wear them at games except
when the girls were playing on the court. So not having to have the
masks in 2021 was nice this year. Youngest child actually worked hard and was
able to be a starter for her 16U team so we were excited about a new year and moving past the pandemic.
2021 was turning out to be a really nice year so far. Vaccines were widely available although the vaccination rate was low because the CDC contradicted themselves on mask wearing so the general public, especially in the rural south, was skeptical about trusting someone about a non FDA approved vaccine. (Honestly, something being FDA approved does not make me feel a whole lot better...what does make me feel better is time in the market. The longer something has been out with little effects the better it is.) I was up for a promotion in July. Basically, I was going to get the title and pay for the job I had been doing already for a year. The joys of the corporate world where you have to sometimes prove you should get the title before getting said title....That happened in July.
Mid-year hit and July was upon me. I was excited as my promotion took
effect this month. I was able to use my title and begin receiving the pay
as well. Things were going well and after the past two years I was finally feeling good and gaining confidence again after having being let go from my previous position in April 2019....just days after my 50th birthday. I had been at this position for 12 years and at the company for 15. I was devastated but was only off work for a month when I found this new job in the same company so I was able to keep my tenure and status. Whew!
BOOM...this is where the year slid down hill from this point.
I got a call from my mom on Sun afternoon one day in early July...she told me she was in the hospital. They had come back from their cabin and she did not feel well. She had an odd feeling in her chest like indigestion and just an off feeling. So she had my step dad take her to the local ER when they got back into our town. They decided to keep her as she was having EKG changes. They ended up doing an echo and then a heart cath on Tue and she had greater than 70% blockage in her left anterior descending artery...also known as the widow maker for obvious reasons. I was floored. My mother had never been sick in her life...except for breast cancer 15 years ago. She had DCIS so she had a lumpectomy, radiation, and took tamoxifen for 5 years. Other than that she has been relatively healthy except for some bowel obstructions that caused her to have several surgeries until she saw a specialist who got her fixed up.
In the meantime, I had put off getting my mammogram in 2020 due to not wanting to be in ground zero with all of the Covid cases as the mammo center was in the hospital. So I hem-hawed around and finally got my 2021 mammogram scheduled. I went in on July 16th. The next week I got a letter saying they found two suspicious areas, one on each side, and I needed to come back in and have an ultrasound. So that week I had the US for each side. They came back in after doing the procedure and said I had to have a biopsy on the left side due to a suspicious mass. I began to freak out a bit as I had previously had a scare several years ago but it turned out to be a lipoma only so I thought it would be that again. I had a suspicious cyst on the right side also the doctor said but I had an area on the left that they wanted to biopsy. So I returned yet again the following week having been at the center now three weeks in a row. It was now the end of July and I was a nervous wreck.
During all of this, I had gone to see my nurse practitioner for my yearly follow up and to get my Singulair prescription refilled. She and I discussed the biopsy and the fact that I had not had a colonoscopy yet (I was 52 and current guidelines had said you should get one after 50) nor had I gotten my vaccine yet. She basically chewed me out for not having both items completed. She scheduled me for a colonoscopy consult in Sept. She also strongly suggested that I get my vaccine because if I did have cancer and I needed treatment I would be immuno-compromised and that was not a good spot to be in when I had a choice.(Back story...my oldest had insisted she get the vaccine that month aldo. She had turned 17 in April and I agreed that she was old enough to make her own choice on it provided she understood the risks. She got her first dose in late July.)
I was struggling with my
own choice still to get the vaccine and then if my youngest, who was 15 at the time but soon to
be 16 in Aug with VB games right around the corner, should also get it.
My NP told me to quit waiting. I had seen one signal appear in May for
myocarditis in young people and mostly in young males. I had the latest
info I pulled off of the CDC for which my pediatricians office didn't
even have yet when I took my oldest child...grr. So was more comfortable in making the decision for both of us but still a bit nervous.
So I had to make a decision and make it quickly due to the pending outcome of the biopsy. I drove the next day to my pharmacy at my local grocery store as a friend who is a pharmacist works there and I wanted her to give me my shots. She did and then proceeded to chew my butt out for waiting also and for not getting my youngest vaccinated. Her reason, when I brought up concerns I had read about girls fertility, was if my youngest contracted covid and was dead from the virus there were no longer any concerns to be had about fertility....ok... point taken. So I went home after my first dose and took my youngest back the next day and got her first dose.
Most of the past four months have been in a hurry up and wait mode. I get information then I wait to hear is it good or bad. I never struggled with anxiety or depression very much in my life. I always was cold about things as I never let many people close enough to me to hurt me nor did I care too much for anyone deeply. After losing my dad at 11, I was a bit jaded and protective about relationships and friendships. Just easier for me to run away than deal with anything. It is a wonder I have been married for 25 years...
So that following week was tense just waiting. By Wed, I was a nervous wreck as I had not heard anything yet. I was supposed to leave for a tournament on Th that was to last until Sat. Hubster was unable to go with us as oldest was getting her second vaccine dose and we didn't want to drag her around to a hotel knowing she would feel bad so he stayed home with her. I was sitting in the lobby waiting to get a massage and I saw an email that I needed to follow up with my gynecologist about the biopsy. I was sick at my stomach as I knew that was not good. I called their office and left a message for them to call me about it.
In the meantime, my NP called me. She had
gotten the results and didn't know whether to call me or not. She told
me I had invasive DCIS cancer. I thought I would explode. She wanted me to go
to another town and get a consult and then consider getting a full mastectomy. It was too much for me to consider at once. I had a conversation later that evening with the gynecologist that started me on a journey...more on that later.
I called my hubster in tears and told him after I hung up with the NP. I texted a friend, who also coaches my daughter's VB team, as she knew I was waiting to hear back the news. I chose to not tell my mother at that point as I had spent a weekend with her a couple weeks before as my dad had to leave for a night and after her stent was put in she was scared to be alone. So I was worried for her health if I told her that it would be too much for her right then so I kept the news from her.
I was going to wait to tell my girls for the time being as well. I was not ready to process it mentally and I couldn't explain to them or make them worry. I did end up having a conversation with my youngest in the car about it and then hubster had a conversation with the oldest. We had more detailed conversations as time went on as well.
Being at the VB tournament was hard. I spent most of that first weekend crying in the shower every morning while at the tournament. My friend knew and stayed by me as much she could but I was in another world. I would get emotional about something and have to run outside and hide so I could just cry.
I did end up telling my mother who went into full mom mode on me but she was also a great asset to me. The next four months were a roller coaster....
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