Life moves on...whether you do or not. 2022 was extremely rough. I LOVE to read and I could not focus for longer than 15 minutes. I forced myself to read an entire book in the summer but my stress of not confiding in my friend my frustrations and isolating and suffering in silence was more than I could handle.
I talked to my doctor and got put on a low dose of Zoloft so I could function. I ended up speaking more to my friend but I still struggled through the year. We started the season and child 2 was a junior so she was told she wouldn't get to play much. She got played hardly at all so the season sucked...even when the team was winning by a lot or losing by a lot...she wasn't played and it hurt for both of us. She cried more than ever and I stayed so angry...and I was also was still angry from the cancer and the ups and down.
Then work became increasingly more stressful to the point of massive layoffs in the spring of 2023 that gave me PTSD from being laid off myself in 2019. Work demands from dealing with 5 different asian countries plus the US and EMEA had me at my wits end.
The layoffs affected several great people and close friends. I had gotten past my cancer woes by switching my care to the local cancer center instead of the local hospital and they explained my issues were just post surgical changes and were nothing to worry about. I am finally seeing the oncologist every 4 months vs every 3. I just had a follow up mammogram during the layoffs so that added to the stress but I got good news and no signs of cancer so I go back in another 6 months and then if that goes well I can move out to a year so I am hopeful that stays on track.
I have gained weight (I got down to 130 lbs) with the up and down stress and Zoloft. I am at 141 lbs now and that isn't horrible but I don't want to gain all of my weight I lost back so that adds to my stress so I have been watching my food intake and not stuff myself from stress which helps.
Then to add to all of this stress I found out that due to parent drama several girls decided to not come back to play volleyball and go play for a rival team which caused us to not have enough kids. This shit has been brewing for a while. This parent screwed me over during a club year. Honestly, the coach also let it happen because she wanted her daughter to not be stuck on that team so we got waived down and screwed. This parent caused enough drama that he was banned from coming back which affected his daughter and his behavior led the refs coming up with a bad name for him. Now this year he tried to come back and then when told no he started shit and now we don't have enough kids to have an 18 or a 16 girls team. So my daughter get screwed her senior year. It affected the coaches daughter and another younger player. But turns out the coaches daughter can go play for a school that is not too far from them and she can coach part time so she gets to finish out her senior year. The younger girl, I found out tonight is ALSO going to go play for this school so yet again we get screwed. My friend wanted us to come watch games and spend time with them and #2 and I thought we would support them but if the other gets to play I am not sure I have the ability to attend games. I am still so angry that I can't see straight and I really hate people.
I am tired of driving friendships and getting nothing back. I am tired of an organization that we got 2 good years out of 7 in and gave heart and soul to and have nothing but pain and angst to show for it.
I have about decided that I just don't care anymore and it pains me because I used to care and do things for people without much thought to it because it made me feel good but now I just feel like a whore and invisible so why bother anymore. I am bitter.
I feel like I pour my heart out and then I get ignored so I can't take that anymore so pushing people away is the only thing I know so I will likely only speak when spoken to and put my energy into my work and family and all others can kiss my ass.
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